Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
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her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.