“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
choose your gary
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.