It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
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There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear