If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
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Happy Friday
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate