My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
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OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special