Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
The Book. The Movie.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.