You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said