me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
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Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.