I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
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Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.