people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
You Might Also Like
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”