I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
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When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood