Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
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*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
me linking you to my twitter
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.