(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
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4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.