I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
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“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
the rocks need my help
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall