Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
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An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
just pretend nothing happened
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years