[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
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[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
live, laugh, laundry.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish