Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
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I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you