If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
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political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
i hope my email finds you on fire
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.