Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
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Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
ready to be harvested
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
What’s this sorcery? 😂