My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
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My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
This will teach them to underestimate me
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
smartest karate player in the world
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set