Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
You Might Also Like
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.