My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
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Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Bit chilly again tonight.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?