Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
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If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one