The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
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My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.