If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
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friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute