The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen