Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
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If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.