Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
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Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.