My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
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[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857