Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car