Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
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Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.