Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
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Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
getting corrected
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
the rocks need my help
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
groan^2
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door