[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
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Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Can’t. Being lazy.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
When they try to steal your moment.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”