me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
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Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.