“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
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Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
KFC hitting the cannibal market
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Single and childfree like Jesus
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.