Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
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I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.