If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Finally, an explanation.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
even bears disappoint their mothers
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?