If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
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Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Schrödinger’s cookie
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.