Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
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Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.