Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
me irl
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]