There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
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Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
this independent good boy don’t need no human
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
lmao
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Me trying to “trust the process”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*