[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.