the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
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There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf