I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
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[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex