College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
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When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Poetry is my passion
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”