“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
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This was a bad idea all around
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”