confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
You Might Also Like
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Just why bro?!
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
every college guy’s fridge