[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
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[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides