Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
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Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.