If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
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my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Hello, my name is Pierre.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
sry
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.